What Matters

Dearest Delilah,

What sucks is that no matter how many other bigger, much more pressing matters I know I may have, you’re gonna be the only one who actually matters. I don’t care if it’s all the sick movies and songs that over signify how important love is, how important someone can be. But I feel how I feel, alright ? And I can’t do anything to change it.

 

I know what you’re thinking. I know exactly the face you’re making right now. “You have so many more real problems right now, Rick. You probably can’t even feed yourself for a week, you might be homeless if you don’t get a job soon. You’re not gonna be whining about some girl who didn’t like you back when you’re starving to death for God’s sake. It’s not the end of the world. Life goes on. You’ll move on. The world isn’t gonna stop for some girl. Get over it.”

 

But it has. All I want you to get that it has stopped for me, because you don’t yet get how someone can be my whole world. And yeah I know it’s all gonna get better one day and how I’m not even gonna think about you ever again, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have to think about you now. That doesn’t change the fact that I feel terribly shitty and this isn’t just some teenage bullshit drama that I have to get over. I’m having to live through this and right now, to me this is my whole world. And it is falling apart. I kid you not.

 

And I know people have been through worse. I know there are people dying right now, with cancer or getting raped or begging for their lives. I know I myself have worse to be worried about, but just like how you can’t control your feelings, I can’t control mine. I can’t control the fact that I’m more worried about not being able to see you tomorrow more than the fact that I might not have a roof over my head tonight. I know I shouldn’t feel this way and these are just feelings and they’ll go away and its making me so guilty that I should be thinking about my family and my own life over you but I can’t.

 

What sucks is that I fucking can’t.

 

And nobody will ever get that. And all people can say to me sounds like the same broken record over and over again. And just demeaning my feelings isn’t gonna help me or you for that matter. I’m allowed to feel the way I feel, and just because someone else or I, myself have even bigger problems to worry about, that doesn’t mean it’s not justified to feel the way I do.

 

All everyone is going to say is how I’ll forget about you and move on and it’ll all be okay.

 

And I know it will. Some day.

 

But right now, it isn’t okay. I’m not okay.

 

I just want you to appreciate that I’m not. And let me not be okay for once.

 

Yours forever,

Not forever, maybe just now, just for this moment ; but so completely yours in this moment that I cannot fathom how it’s even possible,

 

Rick.